I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
