how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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