So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
