we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
