if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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