it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
