how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
