I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
