Ambien. No doubt about it.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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