i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
