Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
