CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
