Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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