: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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