my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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