"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
