My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
