So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
