And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
