I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
