I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
