i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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