Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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