dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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