I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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