How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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