I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
