I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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