its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
