I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize