So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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