so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
In other news, I just burned my penis
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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