My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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