ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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