If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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