I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
