You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
