i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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