Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The air was thick with penises
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
