I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
