Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
