Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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