How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
