I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
