i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
