I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize