if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Can you repeat that, but with context?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
