well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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