i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
