Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
