I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
