does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize