Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
