How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
