bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My bed smells like the plague
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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