i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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