Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
