My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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