Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
