i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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