I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
