I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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