The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
