you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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