I'm going to jail i love you
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Who died my cat blue again?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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