It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
