I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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