dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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