Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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