eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
