Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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