he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
