i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
