Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
